Monday, 26 November 2007

Message for John Howard

Yes well the grubby little bugger has finally lost not only his amoral grip on the Prime Ministership but also of his own seat. While I am fully aware that the ALP government replacing the Libs is only slightly less to the right that does not restarin my delight at seeing the desicated coconut gone.
Just in case the emphatic thumping at the polls was not enough to let little Johnny know that Australia has come to its senses I would fain to provide him with a few messages he may understand: -

A. Cricketing:



B. Imperialistic Jingoism:


Or if that doesn't give you the message sir:


There's the door, don't let it hit your arse on the way out.

Can I get an Amen brothers and sisters?

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Shopping for the Ingleesh

I was looking up a word on Dictionary.com recently (my vocabulary is not very um... good). Having sought the meaning to the amazingly obscure word that is sagacious I noticed an add for NineMSN shopping to "shop for English" (see below):


How exactly does one shop for English? Is it something you need to purchase before Kevin Andrews lets you into the country? Are times so tough now in England that they are selling their children? Please advise control tower.


On an unrelated matter:


Thursday, 18 October 2007

Friday, 12 October 2007

The Fourth Corner

Caught the tail end of a report from Burma on Four Corners (that's what real journalism is for those of you who work for ACA). Seeing how Chevron's subsidiary Unocal and the French company Tota'l are complicit in the slave labour forced upon Burmese civilians by their own military (including an anecdote of how a man and his 80 year old mother were both gunned down by soldiers as he fled into the jungle with her on his back) inspired the following: -

The Burmese pipeline made by the hand
(At the oil producing companies’ command)
Of those who the army enslaved
(So much money the shareholders saved)
The people cry out at the oppression
(Oil supply’s low we’re headed for recession)
At the murder and rape that compels their submission
(Make the economically rational decision)

Have we yet seen the weapons of mass destruction?
(Money to be made in Iraq’s reconstruction)
Has the war on terror yet found its mark?
(So much precious oil now secure in Iraq)
Are the Burmese folk not the victims of terror?
(Remember you must not admit to an error)
Wouldn’t this justify some intercession?
(Make the economically rational decision)

The western world is all to happy for distraction
(Marginalise those who advocate action)
As oil puts us on the fast road to hell
(As the share price goes up I advise you to sell)
Continually only the symptoms are treated
(Monopolise now with all opponents defeated)
As the planet slowly transforms ‘to a desert
(By only the profits is success to be measured)

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Mohamed "Hicksee" Haneef

News in from India:
(via Ninemsn *)

It is completely unfair," Haneef's wife Firdous Arshiya told ABC Radio. "The charge was not sustainable. "The Australian government has taken it personally, I don't know for what reason but they have taken it personally."

Ms Arshiya said the whole of India was behind her. "The entire Indian government and the Indian authority, the entire India is with me and I will do what I have to do."

She said she would not travel to Australia to try to see her husband.

"I will fight the charge but it's okay, we don't want to come to Australia now, I just want my husband back without the charge," she said.

"I don't want to come to Australia,

I'll never, never come to Australia

And now let's cross to the PM for a reaction:












*Interestingly Ninemsn view the following as more newsworthy than Kevin Andrews fucking with the legal system:
Stan Zemanek funeral

An amputee sprinter's unfair wind resistance advantage

John Law's missing microphone (thank god, let's hope he never finds another one)

and the reaction to Posh Spice's reality TV show.

Excellent priorities!

Thursday, 17 May 2007

It Has All Been Worthwhile

****Be aware that I just checked the link in this post and noticed that there appears to be a virus associated with the website. Though the site is most amusing probably best not to visit it if you don't have some good anti-virus stuff.****

If you think the internet has not been of benefit to mankind I give you this .

This website boldly proclaims you can:
"Find out why masturbation is harmful for your health and for your life and what you can do to stop it. Read the only step-by-step program available in the world today and you will succeed in ending the habit of masturbation and start enjoying your life to the fullest.."


I ask you how you can enjoy your life to the fullest without masturbation?

I also find the skeleton with Dali like clockface genitals hilarious. Surely this is parody - even funnier if it is not.

Friday, 23 February 2007

Gram Air

If your go in too seize righting with pore grammar wear wood yous begin? Ewe can be rest assured eye Will bee weary of using it my self witch all goes well for the future.

Tuesday, 20 February 2007

Slow Down, You're Moving Too Fast (or On Road Rage)

Written circa July 2006

Before you read this please take careful note of what the time is. Got it? How long it takes you to read this is very important. I don’t mean it’s a race, so don’t rush, but just remember what the exact time (to the minute) was when you began reading this.

You are driving down the highway at 80kmh, like the other thousands of motorists you currently share the road with you are on the way to work. You don’t really like your job, but hey it pays the bills. You just got a red light. Shit. You might be late for work. Come on, come on hurry up, the light’s been green for 3 seconds and that bastard up the front hasn’t moved. Finally they pull away and your column of traffic begins to move forward one by one. You are delayed by some left turning traffic and so a gap opens up in front of you. A gap for some reason you feel you must protect. You speed up to get through the light that won’t stay green forever. Then some arsehole pulls into your lane turning left from a slip lane right in front of you. You have to slow down from 60 kmh to 35 kmh and do not travel at the speed limit of 70kmh for 10 seconds less than you would have had that idiot not pulled out.

You are irate. You drive right up close behind the individual and you put your high beams on so that your lights will bother the prick in front of you when he looks in his rear view mirror. That’ll piss the arsehole off you think and gain some pleasure from that fact. You both approach another red light and so brake and come to a halt. The light has been red for some time and remains so for another 45 seconds.

Shit, you must have got every red light on the way to work today. God must hate you.

Let’s have a look at all this.

For starters you own a car. Great, you must be doing alright. That motorist puling in front of you didn’t rob you of any time because you both came to the next red light anyway. You’ve stopped at a few more red lights today than usual but I doubt that means everything’s against you. The fact you are driving down a well maintained highway with a number of other motorists who also obey the well appointed traffic signals probably means you are a member of an affluent western society. That would suggest you are particularly lucky when compared to the majority of humans on the planet.

You might be a little bit late for work. Wouldn’t you rather be somewhere else anyway? Why do you have this job? To keep the car that drove you there on the road, to pay for your place of residence. So you can afford to have a little fun with what time you have away from the employment that imposes itself on the best hours of the day in the best years of your life. Yet you’re in such a hurry to get there you consider violence toward a fellow road user (going through the same process as yourself) because they have cost you a meaningless car length. He started it you might say (as Israeli bombs rain on Lebanese civilians) but you are the one that chose to react how you did.

On to the car. There’s thousands of them in close proximity to yourself. Pumping out carbon monoxide as they idle impatiently under the control of their uptight motorists. More and more of them are going on to the roads, polluting the atmosphere, choking the highways, the wildlife and the trees. The trees that are diminishing across the planet as you read this. Diminishing the ability of the planet to recycle the increasing levels of carbon dioxide we taint it with. More trees will disappear as bigger and wider roads are built to accommodate the growing automobile population.

This mode of transport that pollutes the environment and chokes the world needs petroleum to run. Petroleum that comes from a black substance deep in the earth’s bowels known as crude oil. The human race chases this resource greedily and jealously. For this reason there are many hidden agendas amongst the political and religious propaganda that drives the strife and bickering in the middle east, also known as the holy land.

It was discovered long ago that this energy source was no good for the human race and would eventually lead to the planet they call home becoming unliveable. Nothing has been done because there is too much money in oil. Money that has blinded the rich and greedy into pursuing it to the detriment of the planet and the poor third world saps that slave away for them at the disgustingly exploitative rates that they somehow continue to get away with. This money is what is making you drive to work in an uptight manner. If it weren’t for the importance placed on this commodity that doesn’t even actually exist (except simply numbers on paper) you wouldn’t feel the need to get up in the morning, leave your loved ones behind and do something that takes up the vast majority of your day that you would really rather not do (i.e. go to work).

Certainly people need a purpose in life, however selling goods in retail, keeping the account of a business, serving ungrateful wealthy people in a café, most jobs that have come about as a result of society needing to find jobs for the overpopulated world we have created, serve little purpose in the grand scheme of things. The way things stand at the moment, the more people there are, the more we need to find jobs for them so they can earn money and not starve to death, therefore the more development needs to occur, the more destruction of the natural world occurs, impelling us down the road of killing the planet we call Earth. A road we call progress.

So many people in affluent societies seem to never quite make ends meet. They get a new higher paid job so they buy a bigger car, rent a bigger house, buy a bigger television, pay a surgeon to make certain body parts bigger. Do they really need all of this? Of course not.

On one side of the earth a society is feeding its children so much food that they are becoming morbidly obese and are expected to live shorter lives than their parents. Meanwhile on the other side of the world children, women and men are starving to death. What time did you start reading this and what time is it now (assuming you are still reading?). For every minute you read this 20 people, 20 human beings, died of malnutrition (did you eat all your breakfast this morning? How much of your dinner did you throw out last night?). So if it has taken you 5 minutes to read thus far then 100 people are dead from malnutrition (more if you stopped reading to get a snack). Look around next time you are stuck in traffic and count out 100 people; that’s how many died. By the time you’ve counted 100, another 100 have probably died.

So, is that person pulling out in front of you really that big a deal?

Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Saving Water

Being the altruistic hero that I am, I keep a bucket in my shower. This saves the water that previously was lost as I waited for the torrent to become warm enough for contact with my skin at 7 in the morning. This water can then be used to fill the toilet cistern post flush. I am single handedly preserving Victoria's water catchment with this I hope you realise.

Especially yesterday when I accidently kicked the bucket over upon entry into the shower (which is over a bath). What a waste! Luckily I showered for 20 minutes longer that usual to refill the bucket.

Ha ha ha ha

That doesn't make any sense, get it?

Ahem, yes well sorry.

Monday, 12 February 2007

Petty Paroxysms re Paradoxes

My goodness, my incredulousness know no bounds. How can we lose a cricket series to England over here? Weren't they bad again? We lost both the first and second finals to a bunch of in bred, cricketly illiterate, noodle armed pie chuckers!

Which brings me to the crux of today's pointless paroxysm (known as a rant on other sites but I recently read Wuthering Heights so I'm full of now abandoned Middle English* such as "paroxysm") is how do you have a first and second final. If something comes first then reasonably enough, it was first. If something is the final then it is the last. Still with me? How then can you put the two together? First final. It's like saying promiscuous virgin. I'd accept first and final, but to say first final is quite an oxymoron I would suggest. Then second final; WTF? How can something be the second final? If the second final is indeed the last game then that is the final isn't it? The thing before it cannot have been the final, I've already established the ridiculousness of a first final. So having something following this bogus notion of a first final, called a second final is even more ludicrous (snobbish Oxford University chorlte as I repack my pipe with tobacco).

Of course I am living in Australia and such duplicitous** terms cannot be unexpected. This is the country that bandies about phrases just as paradoxical as first and second finals. For instance our sportsman in particluar love nothing more than anwering a question with "yeah-nah" (and in this your humble narrator is not without guilt). Further terms spring to mind immediately: clean coal, equal pay, indigenous health. The list goes on.

I don't know why I'm surprised, this is the country that has a population so paranoid about newly arrived immigrants that they lock them all up regardless of age. Meanwhile this population is descended from immigrants themselves and are allowing their native population to decline toward oblivion.

We have cricket fans who love nothing more than to defeat the English cricket team yet have no hesitation draping themselves in a flag dominated by the Union Jack.

Oh we are a duplicitous** bunch. Perhaps the confusion is why Australia in fact lost the cricket. The team was waiting for the final final.

*i.e. full of verbose hot air
**How I love the word duplicitous - and I didn't even get it out of Wuthering Heights.

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Why Tongue E

What joy is Waitangi day! Pronounced as the title suggests, I had no idea the day existed until last night. Basically the day celebrates the date that the Pohms and the Maoris decided to stop killing each other. Apparently this day in New Zealand is a day when people of all cultures are out and about and in the mood for racial harmony and of course excess consumption of fire water.


What a glorious notion that shits all over Australia Day (or Invasion Day as some refer to it) it is. I enjoyed this particular commemorative day with my neighbour and his friend over a few Steinlargers, then shots of JD, then some particularly strong Fijian rum that has been fermenting in my liquor cabinet over a couple of years. As the two gentlemen I was imbibing with were of Maori extraction I was treated to a couple of Haka's which was fair dinkum amazing (not sure what the other neighbours in our row of units would have thought as the 200KG of Maori stomped the floors into submission, shook the walls and screamed the house down). What a shame white folk such as myself don't have any of our tribal rites still in vogue (I will make a mental note to learn to play an Irish jig on the fiddle but this is hardly as awe inspiring as a native antipodean tribal war cry delivered by two massive men of that extraction).
What I also discovered was that Waitangi Day seems to also involve random tackling, light contact sparring and throwing darts at each other. Yes that's right - throwing darts at each other. It started as a regulation game of darts in which we aimed at the dartboard but (as I'm sure everyone has felt at one time or another during their life) it really was only a prelude before we all had a turn at throwing darts at one another (WTF?). Not sure exactly how I got involved in standing unflinchingly in front of a dart board with only sunglasses for protection while a genuine dart wass pitched at me, but hey I guess that's what Waitangi Day is all about. Oh yes and light contact sparring. Now the definition of light contact can become somewhat of a grey area particularly when liquor is involved. It can also become something of a subjective notion when you consider that two former Rugby Union playing Maori front rowers consider "light" somewhat heavier than the average 76KG white boy such as myself - but 'twas all in good fun and they were able to moderate their fisticuffs to accomodate my wussiness.

Anyway I am now at work trying to see through the day while instituiting the theory that intravenous coffee infusions are a perfectly acceptable form of activity. A happy Waitangi Day to all the races. As a footnote can someone please stop the flash backs I am having as to the taste of the hard liquor I was drinking last night (they are appearing at random intervals like the ghost pain of a severd limb and making me groan audibly).

Thought for Today
"What joy for the leaders that men don't think" Adolf Hitler


Let's think before we vote next time people.

Monday, 5 February 2007

Goodness

Was listening to the radio this morning and was informed by a cheery young mother sounding type that Weet Bix had four times the goodness of the leading energy cereal.

Knowing that no advertising firm would be callous enough to hire an actor to play a young mother my heart was immediately warmed by the fact that she would take time out of her hectic schedule of being covered in various forms of infant related goop and post child bearing related body image concerns to tell us all about the "goodness" of our national breakfast cereal (which makes us better at cricket you know).

However I do object to the use of "four times the goodness". How in the wide world of scienticianality would you quantify goodness? Does the CSIRO have a good-o-meter? Is there some sort of board that assesses goodness? It is far too subjective a term to be used in conjunction with our truth in advertising laws surely and as such I will boycotting Weet Bix (which will bring me into physical peril once my goodness levels plummet - scrap that boycott idea).

All this brings me to the rumours re why KFC is no longer referred to as Kentucky Fried Chicken. The rumour has it, and this is only a rumour [don't sue, don't sue] that they had to remove chicken from the name as what they were selling people could not be classified as chicken (Zinger Burger, Colonel Fillet Burger, not chicken fillet burger, eh? eh? makes you think - rumour, rumour, don't sue). That being the case (or even not being the case) what does KFC actually stand for these days? Here a few suggestions: -

Kan't Fucking Cook

Krap Fucking Commercials

Knot Fucking Chicken

Kan't Fucking Come (up with another word starting with "F")

Kids Fed Calories

Okay, now you try some.

Friday, 2 February 2007

Rant Disabled By Fiduciary Constraints

I've had enough of the government's bullshit with David Hicks. Reading the letters to the editor in The Age yesterday really brought it home, as did the cartoon featuring Alexander Downer. I hate our current government with a vehemance I never new was contained within me.

I decided in a moment of passion to type a letter to every single Liberal and National Member of Parliament (both upper and lower house) letting them all know what a disgrace they are. Having mail merged and printed off the House of Representatives letters I looked at the wad of paper and realised that it would cost me over $100 to send every letter I wished to (short of charging it to work's account and risking my minimum wage employment).

So ladies, gentleman, boys, girls, internet geeks, angry loners, paedophiles and various fetishists, I present to you the letter (the senate version):

2nd February 2007

Senator Whomever
Address


Re: David Hicks’ incarceration

Dear Senator,

The fact David Hicks is still incarcerated without trial, experiencing inhumane conditions and undergoing torture (yes sleep deprivation is torture) is an absolute disgrace. The Australian populace (of which I am a member) should be ashamed that this has been allowed to go on for as long as it has (and I am).

Not only should we be demanding David Hicks be brought to trial by a legal court system (not a tailored kangaroo court such as the already once rebuffed Military Commissions) or sent home to Australia, but we should demand that the United States of America close down Guantanomo Bay and treat all prisoners incarcerated there in accordance with the Geneva Convention and international law. Either that or they should stop claiming to be the great liberating force for democracy they seem to esteem themselves as.

The Australian Government, due to this sole issue is an absolute disgrace. The fact that you are a member of this Australian Government means that you are an absolute disgrace. How you could ever look back on your political career as a success if you continue with your inaction on this issue is absolutely beyond me. At no stage will any of you be receiving my vote, although this will only bother those of you from Victoria, I will take great pleasure in filling in my senate voting ticket and placing you somewhere in the thirties as preference.

If you disagree with Hicks’ treatment, cross the floor, pass a motion, DO SOMETHING. If you agree with Hicks’ treatment then we have at least four psychotics in federal parliament (John Howard, Phillip Ruddock, Alexander Downer and yourself). THIS ISSUE IS BIGGER THAN PARTY ROOM POLITICS, A MAN’S LIFE HAS BEEN COMPLETEY FUCKED UP BY AN UNJUST LEGAL SYSTEM THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT.

If you have something useful to say in response please do so. If you intend to send me the same form letter that says “like all Australians who travel overseas Mr Hicks is liable to the laws of foreign jurisdictions…blah blah blah” that I received six months ago please do not waste my time or 50 cents of tax payers’ money.

How you sleep at night is beyond me.


Disregards,

My Name

Blogging this has at least let me air my grievances (my psychologist might even call it cathartic) however I'm not sure if this specific blog has as yet become a staple for the favourites box of Australia's politicians; give it time.

Donations accepted to make my dream of sending this to every stinking member of the government. I am happy to claim to be a young child dying of something if someone knows how to rort the starlight foundation.

Thought for Today
John Howard sucks


Thursday, 1 February 2007

The World Keeps Turning

Though I am quite certain noone is viewing this blog it is very cathartic to write things down for public consumption. It could also make the career of a journalist if they stumble across this after I meet a violent death while raining bullets of vengance down from a clock tower.
I would like to preface this article by encouraging my reader, when confronted with anything that may seem anti-gay to please add a Seinfeld “not that there’s anything wrong with that” to the end of it. I’m not anti-gay, in fact I love gays… but not that way… not that there’s anything wrong with that… anyway: -

I decided at about 9:30pm last night (having not even turned the telly on since getting home from work) that I would have a nice relaxing bath. I dropped in a scented bath bomb and slipped luxuriantly into the piping hot water uttering a contented sigh as the aches and pains of my exercise regime slipped away. Having time for reflection and being of hirsute Irish stock I noticed that my upper arms, shoulders and back were becoming somewhat carpeted*. As a consequence I seized my Schick Quattro (sponsorship endorsements happily accepted on this blog BTW), lathered up with some generic brand shaving cream and rectified the situation. In so doing I suddenly began to worry (as hopefully many another hetero sexual man has done) that I may have been crossing an invisible line into gayness.

Suddenly it all hit me at once: haven't turned the telly on all night? OMG I’m tailoring my body hair, OMG I’ve been doing weights for five years but don’t play a sport, OMG I was reading the conclusion of Wuthering Heights** on Tuesday night and forgot there was cricket on TV (even if Australia wasn’t playing this is still a mortal blokey sin), OMG I’m in my late twenties, live alone and keep a neat home, OMG I know more about cooking than I do about the underside of a Holden’s bonnet, OMFG I don’t even have a staunch opinion on whether Holden is better than Ford! “Well” though I “I may as well check my hetero sexual chips in with the cashier and head toward the male toilets with a Vodka Cruiser in hand. Time to just accept that my life is to become a myriad of lisping, accessorising, pash rash and casual buggery.”

Tangent: It’s amazing how being gay reduces any chance a man may have of being considered masculine by the general populace. If you think about it though, if having hard core porn star style sex with a woman is regarded as a very “manly” thing to do then wouldn’t having hard core porn star style sex with another man be twice as manly? Did Ian Roberts play for Manly? (End tangent).

What had I become by shaving the rear of my torso and the top of my upper limbs? Dear god, I had betrayed my Australian upbringing: footy, meat pies, heavy metal and flanellies (oh yes indeed, all part of the sartorial education you are party to when growing up in coastal Frankston). The southern cross tattoo*** that reminds me of my misguided youth would have to be replaced by a rainbow. It could not be.

Thankfully for my hetero sexuality in that moment of insecurity Elton John did not come on to the radio station I was listening to – he rarely does on PBS. Instead their heavy metal program began as I towelled my metro sexually hairless shoulders and I began to bop my head remembering the moshing of my decadent adolescence. Turning it off as the singer began to praise satan to move to the bedroom I opened my wardrobe. Only three pairs of shoes looked back at me. Crisis of sexuality averted. I realised also that I really only shaved the afore mentioned areas because I was quite sure that women would find me more attractive as a result and that would therefore increase my chances of getting laid. Motivated by getting my end away with a sheila: hetero sexuality, let’s never fight again.

I scratched my balls and went to the fridge and drank milk straight from the carton with renewed vigour. Responding to the sink full of dishes that had congealed over a number of days with only a belch, contented and secure I made for bed… woke Cecil up and told him it was over.

* I remember the joy of finding my first pubes, now I find them in places I never thought possible (and receive them with far less exuberance)!
** Loved the language in that book. I reckons us torqued mutch moor growser inn them daze.
*** I was young okay and it was emblazoned upon me early on in Howard’s governance before I became somewhat embarrassed by my very “Cronulla” body decoration.
Thought for Today
"If the Liberal Party are known as the Libs, is that why the Country Party changed their name?" (Will Anderson, The Glasshouse Circa June 2006)

Wednesday, 31 January 2007

Coming Round on Mundine

I always thought of anthony Mundine as simply a loud mouth, attention seeking goose. His pugilistic skills would obviously restrict me from saying this to his face (or somwhere near within his hearing) despite my skill at Tai Bo.

No doubt he can mouth off making some injudicious (my favourite word - hope it's spelled correctly) statements. However thinking too hard about things is something very difficult for the average professional sportsman. Now he has burnt a picture of John Howard (and broadcasted such for public comsumption) I am ready to not only tolerate his shenannigans but also to endorse him for public office.

Come to think of it would Anthony Mundine make a better PM than John Howard? Well he would certainly get something done about indigenous health (you remember those dark skinned people who were wandering round godlessly before us godfearing white folk delivered them from satan? I don't think the incumbent does). It might perhaps lead to a more aggressive international policy, however a muscular middleweight threatening to wrap Osama bin-Laden in a cocoon of fear might be more of a deterrent for terrorist attack than would Johnny's idea of building numerous nuclear reactors.

A very satisfying event for me would be a boxing match where the two protagnisits messrs Mudine and Howard go toe to toe. Pre fight taunting would have to include Mundine brandishing his fists and espousing them as the only weapons of mass destruction that Howard has found since invading Iraq. I reckon we might see Johnny "cut and run" when the bell rang.

In short anyone who hates John Howard is a friend of mine, especially if they have the ability to beat the living suitcase out of me without raising a sweat.

Profound thought for today:
There are not many ethnic groups that hate each other for a reason other than religion.

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Thought for Today

As I have no superlative prose to unleash upon my waiting public (if "my waiting public" does not demonstrate the delusions of grandeur possessed by the author then nothing will) I shall begin a series of profound sayings. After I have established by glorious Marxist regime (littered appropriately with large photos of myself adorning skyscrapers) many will be the student carrying around my little red book just bursting with the profunditiy only achieved by the super pretentious.

Thought for today:
"Those who desire power above all else are those to whom, above all else, it should not be given".

Deep. I think we've all learnt something from that.

Welcome to my blog

Good day to you and thank you for reading. More will be posted when I have something worthwhile to say, and the time with which to say it.